CLINTON, Massachusetts — Self-professed foodie Noah Frawley boasts an unusual ability to determine the origin of microwaved gas station burritos, impressed sources say.
“After years of eating nothing but cheap burritos, I’ve developed a pretty sophisticated palate. For example, I can tell that this particular Tina’s Bean and Cheese comes from the factory in Vernon, California,” Frawley said, rubbing refried beans into his gums. “That factory has a bit of a cockroach problem, and you can detect a faint hint of a pyrethroid pesticide that adds a mild floral note. The burrito I had for breakfast comes from the El Moneterey facility in Frisco, Texas, where they use a certain red lithium industrial grease on their machinery that gives their products an oaky bouquet. I usually pair it with a Four Loko Sour Grape.”
Those close to Frawley are concerned about the health effects of his restricted diet, including the clerk at his local supermarket.
“I don’t know how the kid can still stand,” said Armand Stietz, a cashier at Cumberland Farms. “He comes in several times a day and only gets burritos and cigarette butts. I once offered him a free orange to prevent scurvy, but later I saw it outside in the trash. The other day I found him in the back, moaning and holding his stomach. I asked if I should call an ambulance, but he said he was fine and asked if I could give him some cash for a burrito. Of course, I’m used to seeing people ruin their lives with our products, but usually it happens with cigarettes, alcohol and lottery tickets.”
Gastroenterologist Dr. Simone Chase issues stern warnings to anyone whose diet consists exclusively of highly processed junk foods.
“If Mr. Frawley keeps eating like this, he’ll only last a few more years,” said Dr. Chase. “His daily sodium intake alone is enough to bring down an elephant. It reminds me of the case where a young woman was digging through the garbage and found dozens of Lean Cuisine Creamy Pasta Primavera dinners that she had been living off of for weeks. What did that do to her body? All I’m saying is, she’s just learning to walk again. So, Mr. Frawley, if you’re listening, stop the burritos immediately. Keep smoking if you must, but please eat the damn vegetables.”
At press time, Frawley had been offered a consulting position at José Olé Burritos, but he declined, saying he did not want to “sell himself.”
