Photo: Gilles Mingasson/Disney
We’ve gone down the path of old love and heartbreak over whatever happened between Gerry and Theresa, but now we’re back! Ready to once again develop feelings for an often overlooked target audience (older people) as Joan Vassos takes on a house full of men over fifty.
Do I feel particularly prepared to run this show as someone whose father remarried in his 80s, and to a truly amazing person? Yes! I do! Love for all, and let’s make sure we include people who want this in their final decades (their golden years, she added wisely).
We start with Joan delicately picking out jewelry while Kacey Musgrave’s “Rainbow” plays. Sold. Joan was married to her husband John for 33 years until he died of pancreatic cancer. John made life fun and made her feel visible every day. So these will be Joan’s key points in evaluating The Men. I really hope Joan asked for Phil Collins to play during her intros because otherwise it’s very tempting for the viewer to ask in confusion, “Is that… Phil Collins?” and I don’t know why the show would ask us to do that.
Let’s meet these men! Joan does this in a very sparkly dress. 10/10 for the level of sparkle. She starts with 24 men, which is a lot, but that number will be reduced to 18 tonight if I counted correctly. Okay, here we go!
The men who get packages in the first half are Kim, the Marine captain; Jonathan, the handsome Iowan Charles Not in Charge; Keith with the station wagon; and Mark, who is Kelsey’s father. The first to get out of the limo, however, is Pascal, the French salon owner who says he’s from Chicago. Since I live in Chicago, I immediately looked up Pascal’s salon, and although it’s in the suburb of Glencoe and not Chicago (the median household income in Glencoe is $228,750), as you might suspect, it’s quite a deal. Pascal is bringing something to the house, and I want him to stay for a few weeks.
We also meet people like Chock, an insurance executive from Wichita. Chock offers Joan chicken noodle soup when they first meet, and I can’t believe they force the main characters on this show to do something like eat strangers’ soup. I literally never saw them say no. They just have to “say yes for a year” no matter what. Also, Chock later talks about how much he respects Joan’s “family values,” so now I’m looking at him askance. I don’t TRUST you, Chock.
Other characters not seen in the video package include Bob, the chiropractor who says he died when he was struck by lightning, which, my God, means; Gary, the retired financial executive who is either Susan or April this season; Guy, the doctor who Joan obviously has a crush on; and Jackanother Chicagoan. Jack is a caterer and is here for his personality, often “strolling onto the set from a nearby tailgate.” Jack introduces himself by singing Frank Sinatra’s “My Way” and tells you most of what you need to know about Jack (that’s not an attack on Jack; I need 200 percent more Jack on this show). Jack says the dress Joan is wearing is “fucking hot” and comes into the mansion and asks if anyone said bourbon. I usually frown very strongly on cast members who are here to cause chaos, but almost all of them are in their 60s, and it gets loudest in the first episode when they all play pickleball with no rules.
Among the video package guys, Kim says things like, “There’s no shortage of stallions in the stable,” which I hate. Also, I don’t know the Navy dress code, but sir, don’t wear short sleeves to this event. Jonathan is SO handsome and talks a lot to Joan about how he bonded with her over feelings of invisibility, which is crazy because, again: so handsome. Charles L. makes me cry for the first time in the episode when he talks about his wife, who died after 36 years of marriage. I would die for Charles. Keith’s chyron is “Girl Dad.” He explains that he was a single father to his children for the past twelve years and he and his wife separated due to addiction issues. Keith drives up in a station wagon that smells like damn Garrett and his minivan, but hopefully Keith will be better than Garrett. The bar is not set high.
And finally, there’s Mark! The show makes no secret that Mark is going to go far, which makes sense because he looks like a lumberjack and Joan seems to like that. I don’t know anything else about him because I don’t remember Joey’s season. Later, he says that talking to Joan is like putting on a pair of fresh sweatpants straight out of the dryer. Maybe I’ll leave the analogies to someone else, Mark.
The first episode of The Bachelor Franchise (excluding Bachelor in Paradise) always goes in the following order: intros, one-on-ones, first impression rose, elimination round. The one-on-ones are fine. We learn that Joan will emphasize the word “adventure” a lot, which I noticed when scanning these men. She seems to like Dan from Naples, Florida. Dan seems nice enough, but he looks like the senator who tries to put mutants in X-Men. Gary sets up two phones and they talk to each other side by side. I love Gary.
Jack is (obviously) drunk and wandering around the property. He says there’s a cove everywhere and he can’t wait to get in the pool. Jack’s tour of the property is my favorite part of the entire two hours. In a very Chicago moment, he says, “I can tell you right now that we have about seventy-two candles up there.” Meanwhile, Charles is impressed by the kitchen and that everything is real, which I can only interpret as him thinking they were on a movie set. I would love some kind of buddy comedy with Jack and Charles. I could probably only stand one episode before Jack runs himself off, but what an episode that would be.
Joan grabs the rose for the first impression and has to pass every single man in the house to find Keith. She loves that he made her feel safe and says to the camera that she hasn’t felt like this since John died. And on the first night too! What about Gerry, Joan!
Before we get to the rose ceremony, Jesse rolls in a TV like it’s the fifth hour and the men watch all the videos their families have sent, mostly of their children. Funny Gary starts crying when he talks about his daughter and grandson and that’s the second crying moment for me. Damn this show.
It is almost dawn and we are starting the rose ceremony. Natascha said it on Golden Bachelorbut can we please get chairs for these people? Haven’t they toiled enough on this earth for the last six decades? Now they have to stand for hours in their fancy shoes? Anyway, the show is not going to back down on this point. Okay, the people getting roses are: Dan, Jonathan, Mark, Guy, Charles K., Gil, Gary, Pascal, Chock, Kim, Christopher, Gregg, Charles L., Jordan, Bob, Michael, and JACK gets the last rose. I screamed (in a happy way).
In the season preview, we see scuba diving kisses, tuxedo kisses, bowling, kickball, old men in bathing suits, more of Jack, Vegas, Joan telling Mark she loves him (!), Guy telling Joan he’s fallen in love with her (!), and I’m very excited for this whole season.
Using Michael Scott’s Beach Games points system, each week I award 10 points, a gold star, and a thumbs up, and one person gets pushed into a river of chocolate.
• 10 points: To Charles K. for the Willy Wonka illusion with the stick.
• Gold Star: To Jack for his candle suggestion.
• Thumbs up: To the horse that ran away from David and the producers.
• Pushed into a river of chocolate: Mark, you say Joan is like a fresh pair of sweatpants. Honestly, sir, what were you thinking?
